Julie can't eat cheese

Hi friends! I just hit the year mark of sharing my cancer diagnosis (thanks Facebook memories!), a year since my first surgery (12/15), and am coming up on my year from my NED (no evidence of disease) date (1/18). What. A. Freakin’. Year… I know it was a tough year for a lot of people – holding you all in love and light – and hoping 2024 is gentler for all of us.

So some updates since my last post: I had my first post treatment mammogram on 11/13. I went to the same location as my first one last year and had zero memory of where in the building it was; I had completely blocked it out. Luckily I got walked back to the room. This time was much quicker – there was no ultrasound or meeting with the radiologist; just regular imaging. The mammo tech told me they were running behind at reading the images and so I should expect to get results in a week to 10 days. I was hoping the results would be quicker so I could be confident in getting my port out a few days later, but I still wanted it out!

I had a phone call with my oncologist that afternoon (my last call with her as she’s leaving Kaiser – boooooo). The check in was to see how I was doing on Tamoxifen (I had started the hormone blocker about 6 weeks prior). My side effects have been mild hot flashes (no crazy sweating) and crying – I wasn’t sure if this was due to the Tamoxifen or getting my ovaries out (and drastic drop in estrogen), but my onco felt confident it was the Tamoxifen. She asked if I wanted to take anything for my mood, but I didn’t want to yet so I said I would wait and see. I am crying really easily (happy and sad tears!)… super fun. I had also done labs for the appointment and she thought they looked good overall as my blood counts continue to recover. She said my next scan will be a mammogram again in a year (!!), unless I have any new symptoms that don’t go away (headaches, shortness of breath, belly pain, achy bones). I was surprised to hear it’s a year for the next scan (I had thought I would get a CT or PET scan at some point ), but she reminded me (again) I have had a lot of radiation exposure this year. I will continue to see my (new) oncologist every 3 months.

I got a text on 11/14 that I had new test results to view and it was my mammogram! Findings: “There are internal postsurgical and posttreatment changes in the left breast and axila. No suspicious masses, calcifications, or other abnormality. We are pleased to inform you that your screening mammogram shows no signs of breast cancer.” WOOOOOOOOO! My oncologist also sent me a message not long after that she had reviewed the mammogram results and they were negative.

I had my port removal on 11/16. I didn’t have any restrictions before and was told I could drive myself home after, so I went by myself. It was less intense than getting it put in and was in a small procedure room with local anesthetic just around the port site. My fav surgeon was the one taking it out (it was really so good to see him and to catch up!). He reviewed the procedure and all I heard right before was the potential to get an air bubble in your artery when it is coming out and then death. He told me he had done this hundreds of times and never had that happen and to prevent it, they would tip the table so my head was below my heart (that position keeps the blood flow going with less chance of air getting in). I got sweaty palms from being anxious and told him at some point during the procedure and he was like “Don’t you trust me?” Umm, yes… mostly? After, I didn’t die – so yes 100%. My port came out without any issues and after I was able to sit up, I asked if I still needed to worry about dying from an air bubble. They told me no, it would have been immediate. Good to know. Also, being awake for procedures is not my favorite thing. But I was so happy to get my port out!

That afternoon I also had a post surgery call with my ob/gyn from my ovary removal. I had already gotten the test results via My Chart, but she confirmed it was just a cyst and benign (phew!). She said I was good to resume all activities, after I healed from the port removal (for which I was told not to raise my heart rate for 1-2 weeks).

We left the next night for CA for the Thanksgiving holiday. We had a great time seeing family and friends. I decided to eat an In-and-Out grilled cheese on the way down and decided I’m good on them (I will stick to my no cheese ways – which, wild! A year ago I had no idea how I would live without cheese!). I did eat out at a vegan restaurant in Oakland (Millennium – super good, highly recommend) and I was *giddy*.

I think I shared that post-treatment life has been tough mentally. I asked my oncologist for a therapy referral as I really need to manage my stress/anxiety and fears. I did a therapy intake with a clinician at Kaiser on 11/27. She referred me to an outside telehealth provider called Two Chairs. A week later I had a call with someone from there in what they call a matching appointment, where they ask a ton of questions on preferences and therapy goals in order to match you with a therapist. I was told I should expect a match in a week or two.

I was able to go to a cancer retreat at Harmony Hill in Union, WA from December 5th-7th. I had signed up for this back in May and was lucky enough to get a spot for Dec. I am not even sure I have the words to describe how magical and perfect and timely this retreat was and how amazing all of the people were. Since I have been struggling with anxiety/fears it was incredible to step away from life for a bit in a beautiful setting and connect with other people who were at various parts of their cancer journeys. It was validating and calming and nurturing and inspiring and just incredible. At one of the first check ins, I described myself as a mess but over the 3 days, I had so many huge learning moments and take aways (and I am literally crying writing about it) that I felt ready for what was next. I felt calmer and more grounded when it was time to leave.

One of the things we did was a walking meditation around a labyrinth, that has a huge tree in the middle. The staff told us the tree isn’t native and it is a bit of a mystery as to how it got there (it is very old). It is named She Who Knows. One of the women leading the exercise said as you go into the labyrinth you should think of a question you want answered. I am a terrible meditator. I just am – my mind is so busy and I can’t stay focused, so I decided to listen to a Peloton meditation while walking. This is going to be super woo (and I am pretty woo), but I had a really profound experience on the walk around the tree. I got 3 really strong messages that kept repeating in my mind that at one point I took out my phone to note them.

I am alive.

There is only now.

Power in connection.

I don’t know if I can convey how profound and powerful a message of “there is only now” was to get. I spend a fair amount of time worrying about things that *could* happen (I think I read recently that over 80% of what we worry about doesn’t happen) and this has only increased since getting a cancer diagnosis. This will be a mantra and a reminder to be present, to not live in fear of the what ifs or the coulds.

Re-entry from retreat came fast! I did a work meeting in my car before getting on the road to head home. My retreat group had a Zoom call together on 12/14 to catch up (the facilitator was calling it the Temple of Zoom, which I may adopt).

While I was at Harmony Hill, I got an email that Two Chairs had matched me with a therapist and I then had my first therapy session on 12/12. It was a lot of expectation and goal setting (and crying on my part! Ugh – so weepy) but I am excited to process all that has happened over the last year and to (hopefully) find a way to not live in fear.

I also had a follow up with my functional medicine doctor on 12/12. She had given me some ideas to work on getting/keeping inflammation down and we retested 2 of the inflammation markers. They were WAY down from my first lab 6 weeks prior! I tested the day after my retreat, so maybe I was totally and completely zen-ned out?? Haaa, jk – I have been doing other things that were recommended and was really happy to see improvements. I will see her again in March and we will re-run labs then to see how things are going and come up with a plan.

My hair continues to grow… wildly…

Phew! This was longer than I had planned. I am *finally* feeling like I have finished all my major medical things, I can start to put things in place, start working out harder, process, and really start to heal. It was a very wild medical ride this last year and we’ll see what healing has in store for me.

Upcoming appointments:

• 1/10 Radiation follow up appt (I am feeling good overall, although my muscles on the left side are tight, I should probably be stretching more).
• Meet new oncologist in January.

My word for 2024 already came to me: it’s JOY. I have been seeing it everywhere and am hoping we all have lots of it in 2024. It’s also a reminder be present, because there is only now. I continue to be so grateful for your support, encouragement, and thoughts over the last year – I have felt it all and I thank you for holding me in so much love to get to this point.